non-forte.

the question has been posed. why am i so horrible at expressing at my emotions? why do i shy away from such moments in life?

in answer. i would welcome a glimpse at the moments i have chosen to express said feelings.

maybe i have always been way off base. maybe i am constantly thrown for a loop.

but expressing my feelings has never really been a positive experience. and no. i do not simply mean in terms of relationships. i mean in life. feelings are not really my forte. 

either they do not come out right. or they result in myself being hurt. and this little woman can only be strong on her own for so much longer. (and no, i am not overextended). i am simply in need of care. i am simply in need of being needed. 

(is that so bad?).

for now. i am off to pack for the drive home. goody gumdrops.

oh for simplicity.

keep telling self not to cry. keep repeating. keep reminding self that life is good. 

positivity. it keeps all afloat. right?

crystal light. coffee. wine.

(and all i want to do is form a tight circular figure and well... let the tears spill). and the words will not come. and i am down to five hours til this final is due. and all is slipping away as each moment passes. and words are not figuring within my mind (for the paper or for my realizations). 

and i just want to be listened to.

instead, my electricity will be turned off unexpectantly as i rush to finish a paper. a perfect reminder that i am not in charge of this life. (and i thank god for candle-light and wine). 

all-nighters with a mind on a million other things. lead to ramblings that make no sense.

oh for simplicity. oh for the realistic belief that i could live in a truly simplistic understanding of life. where life is only life. and where what is thought is said. without preconceived notions. without worry. oh for simplicity.

in the midst.

i find myself in the midst of another paper that is supposed to be written. and yet the motivation factor is nonexistent.

the new job began today. excellent. enjoyable. excitement.

and my mind is wrapped around a thousand other thoughts. stupid emotions. (i now remember the reason i have always worked so hard to bury said feelings). 

i will continue to remind myself that being alone does not necessarily mean i must be lonely. especially during the holidays. i mean, check out the positives here. (my personal fave may have something to do with not worrying about how drunk you get as there is no necessary screwing later in the evening). classy. and classic. bring on the hot chocolate (and peppermint schnapps).

but the night is passing quickly. and my next shift with the new place of employment will soon greet my weary eyes that will have not slept a wink. and i imagine there will still be few words on paper by that point in time.

so i bid thee adieu.

fresh face.

nothing like a bottle of wine (or two) to make the tears come. it works everytime. even in the midst of a party that i may technically be hosting.

but sometimes the tears need to come. sometimes they are necessary. no matter the time. or date. they are needed.

so my ruffled eighties dress and i plopped down on the hard floor of my personal bathroom and let the tears come as sounds of laughter drifted up the stairs. 

tis life. and tis reality. 

now i simply must pick up the pieces and continue on.

a clean slate. an empty email inbox (yes, i finally erased almost everything... refreshing, emotional, but baggage not needed). and new horizons to reach for. 

the tears swept through the eighties makeup. but now a fresh face is set to be painted. 

learning curve.

music pipes into my ears. (maybe it's caused by the headphones). but i think the reality is it caused by the thousands of thoughts that constantly swarm through my mind.  and i wish i could silence certain portions. you see, papers need to be written. and papers are difficult to write when a mind is darting inbetween thousands of other possibilities. 

and all i want to do is cry.

and i don't know why. the tears just sit at the edge of my eyes. just sit there.

and i just want something to go right. just one thing. tis all i ask for. (and maybe that's too much). 

i'm sick of this year. sick of 2008. i'm counting down the days til it's over. and i know it's up to me to make a difference in my own life. but no matter how positive i am. no matter how much i try to make a difference. it all just keeps going wrong. i think this year was meant to be something different. meant to be a learning curve.

and i'm learning. i'm learning about people. about life. about who i am. about what i want. 

but that doesn't mean that i can't hurt. because i do. the wounds are fresh. the wounds have not yet been opened in many cases. i quickly covered them and jumped in headfirst. and now i sit here and thoughts swarm in via the music. via the chip that curls in on itself. via my quilt. via the candles that sit in front me. via a glass of wine. a cough. an inhaler. walking on campus. 

lordy gracious. it scares me. for i know that i am good at being lost in the moment. i know i am good at appearing well. but sitting here. now. the music invades my mind. and i cannot write this paper. because i have no focus.

the thoughts are too abundant. too varied in nature.

and it all comes back to one thing.

(but this is life: and life is a learning curve).

ah. empathy?

i have never been good at empathy. it's not one of my strengths. not something i pride myself on. i am good at getting things done. give me a list. and it will be completed in no time.

actions. i'm marvelous with action plans. i like accomplishing line items.

feelings? not my cup of tea. feelings... they take me out of my comfort zone.

tis why going to counseling was difficult for me. accepting that i needed help. that i could not do it all on my own. but looking back, the sessions that were forced at first were a saving grace.

i want that for my friends. i want that for those i care about. the realization that to do it all on our own is not possible. and not necessary. it is a scary realization. and one i continually work to grasp at. everyday. one that i know i have not reached a complete understanding of. but yet the beaten path winds on and i follow it past the colored leaves and broken twigs. knowing that at some point i will reach the rainbow. whatever that may be.

and i do want that for my friends. for them to be free from the necessity of thinking they must do it all.

or be it all...

so now what?

a needed change.

tis a new month. and with that new month. the leaves have begun to change in texas. certain things may be in place in life. but despite my perfectionistic desires, i am going to work toward accepting the variances.

a weekend of craziness. which led into a sunday full of the symptoms of withdrawal (due to the fact that i had accidently forgotten to take four dosages of topamax). means i still have the shakes. but a monday morning which opens with a bit of pilates and a wheat-free apple cinnamon waffle and a glass of orange juice... well, it can only mean one thing: change is in the air.

and not just change in the sense of talking about it. the bruises will heal. and the pain will subside. the reality is in thinking i must be perfect all the time, i simply create a bed to lie on... where i can never escape a world of hurt. and no. the journey will never be easy. but bit by bit. i can do it.

simply must believe.

the big, scary street.

sometimes i truly want to run away. i have heard the "be positive" mantra numerous times from everyone around me. and have tried to internalize it. no doubt pieces of it have been taken to heart. but that is not to say that there is still a part of me that simply wants to cry. a part that simply wants to be held by someone who will comfort me. a part that simply wants to forget everything.

i may be capable of working through this. i may be capable of moving on. but in my strength i know that i am also weak (and anyone who truly knows me, knows that it takes a lot for me to admit such a thing). in my strength i know that i need a shoulder to lean on. i need someone to tell me i can do it. to believe in me. to not be afraid to let me know they believe in me.

every ounce of my being knows that i am fully able to be alone. and survive. and thrive. but in this moment... the little lost girl is showing herself. and the little lost girl wants someone to hold her hand and help her cross the big, scary street.

a midnight jaunt.

for the second weekend in a row. i found myself in shreveport, la. this time the actual destination was listed as shreveport. not some distant location yet to be reached. our genius kicked in late evening and the trip was planned and progressing by ten-thirty. despite a few hiccups along the way (namely those "others" on the road who may or may not have been under the influence of drugs or alcohol and considering the number of towns driven through that solely consisted of gentlemen's clubs and liquor stores...) we arrived safely to shreveport via the sketch roads.

although our luck was dismal (which simply aligns with most of my life right now), fun was had. new environments were conquered. and slots were played. money may have been lost. but this is where the art of setting a limit enters the picture. thankfully my addictions in life do not cross over into the gambling arena. tis a bit repetitive for me... but nevertheless, fun for a midnight jaunt.

and as a sidenote... with my newly acquired freetime. i finally began uploading photos to flickr.

we shall see.

as is typical. the glass of wine becomes a bottle of wine as the days progress. my free time is beginning to ware on me.

good news. i have found something to occupy a bit of my time. goodreads.com. check it out.

and i did have an interview today. we shall cross our fingers and say our prayers. but for now please keep pouring the wine and turning the pages of my textbooks. (currently i find myself engrossed in "sex and the soul").

tonight's counseling class played out much like a scene from a horror movie. where a dagger is stuck in the side of the main character and then jabbed and jostled at will for three hours. who would have thought that cognitive behavior therapy could do such a thing to a person?

i am thankful for mid class phone calls and text messages. and a variety of other motivating factors that were able to add humor to my moments of constant pain.

so now it is onto hopes of a delightful weekend. (and positive news from today's interview). perhaps a road trip. perhaps a few halloween festivities. perhaps a weekend in the library. or perhaps a few more bottles of wine. we shall see what is discovered as the hours progress. we shall see.

the game.

despite my hesitance. i finally overcame my fear. i told them. i enjoyed a few mimosas. built up the courage and pushed away the butterflies that were fighting to escape the deep regions of my insides. and made the phone call that i was so dreading.

my fears were right. my perfectionistic parents see me as a failure. but they will move on. (maybe not by the time they arrive in texas next week for a sweet visit). but they will move on.

the task at hand is now to persuade them to not seek any legal action.

every part of me simply wants to seek the next stage. escape this reality. see this as a sign and explore other options of life. (becoming a hippy is currently at the top of my list).

and so i wait. and process my thoughts.

what is perfection? what is failure? have i failed? or have i simply become the pawn in somebody's game?

although i know that perfection is not something that can be completely attained. it is something for which i have constantly strived. something that was ingrained within me from an early age. and the process of desiring perfection has lead me down paths that sometimes have not been the most healthy. but through that journey, such paths have provided a lens by which i am able to view the world. a lens through which i can hopefully work for an honest understanding of what is right. and what is ultimately "healthy" perfection for me... a unique blend of all that encompasses my hopes, dreams, and reality.

and though i may fear failure, i must understand that there is no such thing. failure is but a mind game. there may be disappointments in life. and there may be moments when i wish something had been accomplished in a different way. but to know the effort was extended. this is to know that there was not failure in the action. our culture focuses on such concepts of failure so often. allowing individuals to believe that the moment they have that second doughnut they are suddenly a failure. but this is not so. to fail is to stop functioning or operating. to fail is to lose strength or die away. to fail is not to indulge once. to be a failure requires repeated offenses.

so i come to the final question. am i simply a pawn in a game? has somebody decided that my life would be fun to play with? the answers i have thus far uncovered point in such a direction. and so to these people i say, welcome to my life. and welcome to the knowledge that i am ready to play. ready to look at the trek ahead of me and continue the hike. i have loaded my bag with all of the essentials. the journey has begun. you may have won with the first move. but i will win with the final one.

breathe.

the wrongs must at some final place reach a right. and i will continue to hope for that. for now, i will cherish those moments i have not had until now. moments when i can enjoy a mimosa in the middle of the afternoon. moments when i can do homework instead of running around making final preparations for an evening program. moments when i can relax, even though it may not be one of my greatest strengths. and moments when i can catch up on necessities of life, such as laundry and cleaning.

i am not alone. and i can not always be the one to be the strength for my friends. i must be willing to accept help. must be willing to let those around me lift me up. let them hold me when i am down.

this will get better. this valley will be overcome. the sun is still shining.

a bit of sun.

tis an interesting moment in life. to be sitting in panera in the middle of a monday afternoon. with no direction. no meetings calling out. no programs that need help.

and my counseling book keeps subtly calling out to me through ironic phrasings. bringing me back to reality.

"using humor" i believe that this is the sole action allowing me to continue on. the knowledge that moments before life completely changed, i handed him a happy bosses day card, complete with a ten dollar giftcard to starbucks. oh the niceness that envelops me. almost too good to be true. and definitely something too unrealistic to be written into a script. (nobody would ever believe it).

ah. and then the counseling book... always on top of itself, brings out the: "people with specific problems, such as coping with the loss of a job or dealing with retirement, are taught how to apply REBT principles to treat themselves." thanks. just thanks. i'll look into that.

tomorrow. or the next day.

i'm moving on. the sun is shining in the valley today. and though nothing spectacular may be taking place, every flower needs a bit of sun before it can fully blossom (and just the right amount of water).

valleys of wonder.

my thoughts all afternoon drifted toward the photograph flashing in my mind of the course of this adventure. and then it hit me when discussing with a friend:

we must go through the valleys to reach the mountains. and though the valleys may be wide and the climb to the top of the peaks treacherous, it shall be worth it. and it will be an adventure. and something to look back on at some point and offer thanks.

the adventure.

my mind has yet to wrap around this past week. yet to quite realize the reality of the given situation.

a smidgen of me truly believes i will wake up tomorrow morning and this will all be a nightmare that i have been living through. a nightmare that i was never meant to know in real life.

and with that understanding, the only move i can make from here is to continue trying.

so much of me believes that my life this year has resembled one of those movies or tv shows that people simply look at and remark, "well, that was unrealistic." and thus, i invite you into my life. invite you to reality.

to look at it as an adventure, as a movie where at some point it must turn around. it must reach a point of climax. a point of happiness. and so i will continue trekking along. continue forward movement. and hope for that moment.

i believe. believe the adventure will take me through valleys to reach greatness.

believe with me.

and so it goes.

the reality is. life is busy. and it goes by quickly. and that is precisely what accounts for my absence. please do not be too hurt. though i have missed you dearly.
this is actually the first week that campus programming is without a program (and i am not crying). instead, i am catching up on homework and reading and writing.

(which i am supposed to be doing... reading "educating citizens: preparing america's undergraduates for lives of moral and civic responsibility"). but my mind drifts... my migraines have been steadly worsening as of late. and so i finally sucked it up and put a call in late last week to my neurologist. a grad student simply doesn't have the time to deal with extra migraines when she already barely has time to sleep. anyway, the response i received was simply that they would call in a prescription to double up on what i have already been taking for the past couple years... topamax.
and let's be honest. i'm fine with this. it's a solution to the problem. at least for the time being. and i'm being extra careful about other external factors in my life... like allergens and such. but a little piece of me is a tidbit worried about the side effects (yes, even years after first beginning to take this medicine). i don't have any weight that i can afford to lose this time. and i don't have any appetite half of the time anyway... so a medicine that is going to make me lose my appetite... but the part i really cannot handle anymore of is the feeling of being "dumb." my quickness of mind has already been jeopardized since beginning this. i already can't remember things. and i've learned to cope. and i'm okay with that. now i just hope it doesn't get worse by doubling the dose...

so here's to hoping...
(and to my mind).

i love.

anderson cooper podcasts. (oh and his blog).

diet coke. even though i quit drinking it a few years ago. but i still love it. or maybe just the thought of it's beautiful sweetness in my mouth.

steamed vegetables. and the ease they bring to my life. not to mention the health factor.

airports. (or maybe it's just people watching that i love). and therefore i love that i get to fly to san diego in just over a week. and i have free drink coupons. thank you southwest.

driving. the open road. playing music loud and singing along like a crazy woman (maybe adding in a few dance moves every few moments).

the prospect of being "professor molly" to a select group of freshmen students who will be required to attend my weekly class session. every friday morning. to discuss such deep issues as: service, humility, attention and intention, sabbath, integrity, and friendship. oh the joy of university 1000 courses. (stay tuned as i'm sure that i, as teacher, will have fun stories to share).

now i'm off to create handouts and pretend that i am "official." love it.

barefoot in the nightgown.

it's been one compelling week. (i think that's the best way to put it). work was crazy. as always. but lots got done. and life after work... well, i keep finding out more about it as the days pass.

my good pal arrived back in waco following his excursion with the fam to a classy resort on an island. so tuesday we decided to pursue fun. which ended with me awaking wednesday morning to find a taco in my purse. glorious.

thursday and friday held the always enjoyable student activities staff retreat. a night away. to reflect. to relax. to retreat. (who am i kidding?)

and then. long lost friends began arriving from all over to create a delightful weekend experience. one that included a point of me running through the streets of waco in my nightgown while barefoot. at four am. lovin' it (and the diseases i probably procured during the process).

now tis back to real life. and program after program.

kissing fun goodbye... now.

independence.

a new start. for a new year. and new thoughts swarm through my mind each moment. 

where do i go from here?

i always thought life was going to be one particular way... and it's not. and now i'm here. with nine months of graduate school left. and a world before me.

dream job today. working with an organization like this.