the game.

despite my hesitance. i finally overcame my fear. i told them. i enjoyed a few mimosas. built up the courage and pushed away the butterflies that were fighting to escape the deep regions of my insides. and made the phone call that i was so dreading.

my fears were right. my perfectionistic parents see me as a failure. but they will move on. (maybe not by the time they arrive in texas next week for a sweet visit). but they will move on.

the task at hand is now to persuade them to not seek any legal action.

every part of me simply wants to seek the next stage. escape this reality. see this as a sign and explore other options of life. (becoming a hippy is currently at the top of my list).

and so i wait. and process my thoughts.

what is perfection? what is failure? have i failed? or have i simply become the pawn in somebody's game?

although i know that perfection is not something that can be completely attained. it is something for which i have constantly strived. something that was ingrained within me from an early age. and the process of desiring perfection has lead me down paths that sometimes have not been the most healthy. but through that journey, such paths have provided a lens by which i am able to view the world. a lens through which i can hopefully work for an honest understanding of what is right. and what is ultimately "healthy" perfection for me... a unique blend of all that encompasses my hopes, dreams, and reality.

and though i may fear failure, i must understand that there is no such thing. failure is but a mind game. there may be disappointments in life. and there may be moments when i wish something had been accomplished in a different way. but to know the effort was extended. this is to know that there was not failure in the action. our culture focuses on such concepts of failure so often. allowing individuals to believe that the moment they have that second doughnut they are suddenly a failure. but this is not so. to fail is to stop functioning or operating. to fail is to lose strength or die away. to fail is not to indulge once. to be a failure requires repeated offenses.

so i come to the final question. am i simply a pawn in a game? has somebody decided that my life would be fun to play with? the answers i have thus far uncovered point in such a direction. and so to these people i say, welcome to my life. and welcome to the knowledge that i am ready to play. ready to look at the trek ahead of me and continue the hike. i have loaded my bag with all of the essentials. the journey has begun. you may have won with the first move. but i will win with the final one.