ah. empathy?

i have never been good at empathy. it's not one of my strengths. not something i pride myself on. i am good at getting things done. give me a list. and it will be completed in no time.

actions. i'm marvelous with action plans. i like accomplishing line items.

feelings? not my cup of tea. feelings... they take me out of my comfort zone.

tis why going to counseling was difficult for me. accepting that i needed help. that i could not do it all on my own. but looking back, the sessions that were forced at first were a saving grace.

i want that for my friends. i want that for those i care about. the realization that to do it all on our own is not possible. and not necessary. it is a scary realization. and one i continually work to grasp at. everyday. one that i know i have not reached a complete understanding of. but yet the beaten path winds on and i follow it past the colored leaves and broken twigs. knowing that at some point i will reach the rainbow. whatever that may be.

and i do want that for my friends. for them to be free from the necessity of thinking they must do it all.

or be it all...

so now what?

a needed change.

tis a new month. and with that new month. the leaves have begun to change in texas. certain things may be in place in life. but despite my perfectionistic desires, i am going to work toward accepting the variances.

a weekend of craziness. which led into a sunday full of the symptoms of withdrawal (due to the fact that i had accidently forgotten to take four dosages of topamax). means i still have the shakes. but a monday morning which opens with a bit of pilates and a wheat-free apple cinnamon waffle and a glass of orange juice... well, it can only mean one thing: change is in the air.

and not just change in the sense of talking about it. the bruises will heal. and the pain will subside. the reality is in thinking i must be perfect all the time, i simply create a bed to lie on... where i can never escape a world of hurt. and no. the journey will never be easy. but bit by bit. i can do it.

simply must believe.

the big, scary street.

sometimes i truly want to run away. i have heard the "be positive" mantra numerous times from everyone around me. and have tried to internalize it. no doubt pieces of it have been taken to heart. but that is not to say that there is still a part of me that simply wants to cry. a part that simply wants to be held by someone who will comfort me. a part that simply wants to forget everything.

i may be capable of working through this. i may be capable of moving on. but in my strength i know that i am also weak (and anyone who truly knows me, knows that it takes a lot for me to admit such a thing). in my strength i know that i need a shoulder to lean on. i need someone to tell me i can do it. to believe in me. to not be afraid to let me know they believe in me.

every ounce of my being knows that i am fully able to be alone. and survive. and thrive. but in this moment... the little lost girl is showing herself. and the little lost girl wants someone to hold her hand and help her cross the big, scary street.

a midnight jaunt.

for the second weekend in a row. i found myself in shreveport, la. this time the actual destination was listed as shreveport. not some distant location yet to be reached. our genius kicked in late evening and the trip was planned and progressing by ten-thirty. despite a few hiccups along the way (namely those "others" on the road who may or may not have been under the influence of drugs or alcohol and considering the number of towns driven through that solely consisted of gentlemen's clubs and liquor stores...) we arrived safely to shreveport via the sketch roads.

although our luck was dismal (which simply aligns with most of my life right now), fun was had. new environments were conquered. and slots were played. money may have been lost. but this is where the art of setting a limit enters the picture. thankfully my addictions in life do not cross over into the gambling arena. tis a bit repetitive for me... but nevertheless, fun for a midnight jaunt.

and as a sidenote... with my newly acquired freetime. i finally began uploading photos to flickr.

we shall see.

as is typical. the glass of wine becomes a bottle of wine as the days progress. my free time is beginning to ware on me.

good news. i have found something to occupy a bit of my time. goodreads.com. check it out.

and i did have an interview today. we shall cross our fingers and say our prayers. but for now please keep pouring the wine and turning the pages of my textbooks. (currently i find myself engrossed in "sex and the soul").

tonight's counseling class played out much like a scene from a horror movie. where a dagger is stuck in the side of the main character and then jabbed and jostled at will for three hours. who would have thought that cognitive behavior therapy could do such a thing to a person?

i am thankful for mid class phone calls and text messages. and a variety of other motivating factors that were able to add humor to my moments of constant pain.

so now it is onto hopes of a delightful weekend. (and positive news from today's interview). perhaps a road trip. perhaps a few halloween festivities. perhaps a weekend in the library. or perhaps a few more bottles of wine. we shall see what is discovered as the hours progress. we shall see.

the game.

despite my hesitance. i finally overcame my fear. i told them. i enjoyed a few mimosas. built up the courage and pushed away the butterflies that were fighting to escape the deep regions of my insides. and made the phone call that i was so dreading.

my fears were right. my perfectionistic parents see me as a failure. but they will move on. (maybe not by the time they arrive in texas next week for a sweet visit). but they will move on.

the task at hand is now to persuade them to not seek any legal action.

every part of me simply wants to seek the next stage. escape this reality. see this as a sign and explore other options of life. (becoming a hippy is currently at the top of my list).

and so i wait. and process my thoughts.

what is perfection? what is failure? have i failed? or have i simply become the pawn in somebody's game?

although i know that perfection is not something that can be completely attained. it is something for which i have constantly strived. something that was ingrained within me from an early age. and the process of desiring perfection has lead me down paths that sometimes have not been the most healthy. but through that journey, such paths have provided a lens by which i am able to view the world. a lens through which i can hopefully work for an honest understanding of what is right. and what is ultimately "healthy" perfection for me... a unique blend of all that encompasses my hopes, dreams, and reality.

and though i may fear failure, i must understand that there is no such thing. failure is but a mind game. there may be disappointments in life. and there may be moments when i wish something had been accomplished in a different way. but to know the effort was extended. this is to know that there was not failure in the action. our culture focuses on such concepts of failure so often. allowing individuals to believe that the moment they have that second doughnut they are suddenly a failure. but this is not so. to fail is to stop functioning or operating. to fail is to lose strength or die away. to fail is not to indulge once. to be a failure requires repeated offenses.

so i come to the final question. am i simply a pawn in a game? has somebody decided that my life would be fun to play with? the answers i have thus far uncovered point in such a direction. and so to these people i say, welcome to my life. and welcome to the knowledge that i am ready to play. ready to look at the trek ahead of me and continue the hike. i have loaded my bag with all of the essentials. the journey has begun. you may have won with the first move. but i will win with the final one.

breathe.

the wrongs must at some final place reach a right. and i will continue to hope for that. for now, i will cherish those moments i have not had until now. moments when i can enjoy a mimosa in the middle of the afternoon. moments when i can do homework instead of running around making final preparations for an evening program. moments when i can relax, even though it may not be one of my greatest strengths. and moments when i can catch up on necessities of life, such as laundry and cleaning.

i am not alone. and i can not always be the one to be the strength for my friends. i must be willing to accept help. must be willing to let those around me lift me up. let them hold me when i am down.

this will get better. this valley will be overcome. the sun is still shining.