a needed change.

tis a new month. and with that new month. the leaves have begun to change in texas. certain things may be in place in life. but despite my perfectionistic desires, i am going to work toward accepting the variances.

a weekend of craziness. which led into a sunday full of the symptoms of withdrawal (due to the fact that i had accidently forgotten to take four dosages of topamax). means i still have the shakes. but a monday morning which opens with a bit of pilates and a wheat-free apple cinnamon waffle and a glass of orange juice... well, it can only mean one thing: change is in the air.

and not just change in the sense of talking about it. the bruises will heal. and the pain will subside. the reality is in thinking i must be perfect all the time, i simply create a bed to lie on... where i can never escape a world of hurt. and no. the journey will never be easy. but bit by bit. i can do it.

simply must believe.

a bit of sun.

tis an interesting moment in life. to be sitting in panera in the middle of a monday afternoon. with no direction. no meetings calling out. no programs that need help.

and my counseling book keeps subtly calling out to me through ironic phrasings. bringing me back to reality.

"using humor" i believe that this is the sole action allowing me to continue on. the knowledge that moments before life completely changed, i handed him a happy bosses day card, complete with a ten dollar giftcard to starbucks. oh the niceness that envelops me. almost too good to be true. and definitely something too unrealistic to be written into a script. (nobody would ever believe it).

ah. and then the counseling book... always on top of itself, brings out the: "people with specific problems, such as coping with the loss of a job or dealing with retirement, are taught how to apply REBT principles to treat themselves." thanks. just thanks. i'll look into that.

tomorrow. or the next day.

i'm moving on. the sun is shining in the valley today. and though nothing spectacular may be taking place, every flower needs a bit of sun before it can fully blossom (and just the right amount of water).