a midnight jaunt.

for the second weekend in a row. i found myself in shreveport, la. this time the actual destination was listed as shreveport. not some distant location yet to be reached. our genius kicked in late evening and the trip was planned and progressing by ten-thirty. despite a few hiccups along the way (namely those "others" on the road who may or may not have been under the influence of drugs or alcohol and considering the number of towns driven through that solely consisted of gentlemen's clubs and liquor stores...) we arrived safely to shreveport via the sketch roads.

although our luck was dismal (which simply aligns with most of my life right now), fun was had. new environments were conquered. and slots were played. money may have been lost. but this is where the art of setting a limit enters the picture. thankfully my addictions in life do not cross over into the gambling arena. tis a bit repetitive for me... but nevertheless, fun for a midnight jaunt.

and as a sidenote... with my newly acquired freetime. i finally began uploading photos to flickr.

the game.

despite my hesitance. i finally overcame my fear. i told them. i enjoyed a few mimosas. built up the courage and pushed away the butterflies that were fighting to escape the deep regions of my insides. and made the phone call that i was so dreading.

my fears were right. my perfectionistic parents see me as a failure. but they will move on. (maybe not by the time they arrive in texas next week for a sweet visit). but they will move on.

the task at hand is now to persuade them to not seek any legal action.

every part of me simply wants to seek the next stage. escape this reality. see this as a sign and explore other options of life. (becoming a hippy is currently at the top of my list).

and so i wait. and process my thoughts.

what is perfection? what is failure? have i failed? or have i simply become the pawn in somebody's game?

although i know that perfection is not something that can be completely attained. it is something for which i have constantly strived. something that was ingrained within me from an early age. and the process of desiring perfection has lead me down paths that sometimes have not been the most healthy. but through that journey, such paths have provided a lens by which i am able to view the world. a lens through which i can hopefully work for an honest understanding of what is right. and what is ultimately "healthy" perfection for me... a unique blend of all that encompasses my hopes, dreams, and reality.

and though i may fear failure, i must understand that there is no such thing. failure is but a mind game. there may be disappointments in life. and there may be moments when i wish something had been accomplished in a different way. but to know the effort was extended. this is to know that there was not failure in the action. our culture focuses on such concepts of failure so often. allowing individuals to believe that the moment they have that second doughnut they are suddenly a failure. but this is not so. to fail is to stop functioning or operating. to fail is to lose strength or die away. to fail is not to indulge once. to be a failure requires repeated offenses.

so i come to the final question. am i simply a pawn in a game? has somebody decided that my life would be fun to play with? the answers i have thus far uncovered point in such a direction. and so to these people i say, welcome to my life. and welcome to the knowledge that i am ready to play. ready to look at the trek ahead of me and continue the hike. i have loaded my bag with all of the essentials. the journey has begun. you may have won with the first move. but i will win with the final one.

valleys of wonder.

my thoughts all afternoon drifted toward the photograph flashing in my mind of the course of this adventure. and then it hit me when discussing with a friend:

we must go through the valleys to reach the mountains. and though the valleys may be wide and the climb to the top of the peaks treacherous, it shall be worth it. and it will be an adventure. and something to look back on at some point and offer thanks.

the adventure.

my mind has yet to wrap around this past week. yet to quite realize the reality of the given situation.

a smidgen of me truly believes i will wake up tomorrow morning and this will all be a nightmare that i have been living through. a nightmare that i was never meant to know in real life.

and with that understanding, the only move i can make from here is to continue trying.

so much of me believes that my life this year has resembled one of those movies or tv shows that people simply look at and remark, "well, that was unrealistic." and thus, i invite you into my life. invite you to reality.

to look at it as an adventure, as a movie where at some point it must turn around. it must reach a point of climax. a point of happiness. and so i will continue trekking along. continue forward movement. and hope for that moment.

i believe. believe the adventure will take me through valleys to reach greatness.

believe with me.

i love.

anderson cooper podcasts. (oh and his blog).

diet coke. even though i quit drinking it a few years ago. but i still love it. or maybe just the thought of it's beautiful sweetness in my mouth.

steamed vegetables. and the ease they bring to my life. not to mention the health factor.

airports. (or maybe it's just people watching that i love). and therefore i love that i get to fly to san diego in just over a week. and i have free drink coupons. thank you southwest.

driving. the open road. playing music loud and singing along like a crazy woman (maybe adding in a few dance moves every few moments).

the prospect of being "professor molly" to a select group of freshmen students who will be required to attend my weekly class session. every friday morning. to discuss such deep issues as: service, humility, attention and intention, sabbath, integrity, and friendship. oh the joy of university 1000 courses. (stay tuned as i'm sure that i, as teacher, will have fun stories to share).

now i'm off to create handouts and pretend that i am "official." love it.