non-forte.

the question has been posed. why am i so horrible at expressing at my emotions? why do i shy away from such moments in life?

in answer. i would welcome a glimpse at the moments i have chosen to express said feelings.

maybe i have always been way off base. maybe i am constantly thrown for a loop.

but expressing my feelings has never really been a positive experience. and no. i do not simply mean in terms of relationships. i mean in life. feelings are not really my forte. 

either they do not come out right. or they result in myself being hurt. and this little woman can only be strong on her own for so much longer. (and no, i am not overextended). i am simply in need of care. i am simply in need of being needed. 

(is that so bad?).

for now. i am off to pack for the drive home. goody gumdrops.

oh for simplicity.

keep telling self not to cry. keep repeating. keep reminding self that life is good. 

positivity. it keeps all afloat. right?

crystal light. coffee. wine.

(and all i want to do is form a tight circular figure and well... let the tears spill). and the words will not come. and i am down to five hours til this final is due. and all is slipping away as each moment passes. and words are not figuring within my mind (for the paper or for my realizations). 

and i just want to be listened to.

instead, my electricity will be turned off unexpectantly as i rush to finish a paper. a perfect reminder that i am not in charge of this life. (and i thank god for candle-light and wine). 

all-nighters with a mind on a million other things. lead to ramblings that make no sense.

oh for simplicity. oh for the realistic belief that i could live in a truly simplistic understanding of life. where life is only life. and where what is thought is said. without preconceived notions. without worry. oh for simplicity.

in the midst.

i find myself in the midst of another paper that is supposed to be written. and yet the motivation factor is nonexistent.

the new job began today. excellent. enjoyable. excitement.

and my mind is wrapped around a thousand other thoughts. stupid emotions. (i now remember the reason i have always worked so hard to bury said feelings). 

i will continue to remind myself that being alone does not necessarily mean i must be lonely. especially during the holidays. i mean, check out the positives here. (my personal fave may have something to do with not worrying about how drunk you get as there is no necessary screwing later in the evening). classy. and classic. bring on the hot chocolate (and peppermint schnapps).

but the night is passing quickly. and my next shift with the new place of employment will soon greet my weary eyes that will have not slept a wink. and i imagine there will still be few words on paper by that point in time.

so i bid thee adieu.

fresh face.

nothing like a bottle of wine (or two) to make the tears come. it works everytime. even in the midst of a party that i may technically be hosting.

but sometimes the tears need to come. sometimes they are necessary. no matter the time. or date. they are needed.

so my ruffled eighties dress and i plopped down on the hard floor of my personal bathroom and let the tears come as sounds of laughter drifted up the stairs. 

tis life. and tis reality. 

now i simply must pick up the pieces and continue on.

a clean slate. an empty email inbox (yes, i finally erased almost everything... refreshing, emotional, but baggage not needed). and new horizons to reach for. 

the tears swept through the eighties makeup. but now a fresh face is set to be painted. 

learning curve.

music pipes into my ears. (maybe it's caused by the headphones). but i think the reality is it caused by the thousands of thoughts that constantly swarm through my mind.  and i wish i could silence certain portions. you see, papers need to be written. and papers are difficult to write when a mind is darting inbetween thousands of other possibilities. 

and all i want to do is cry.

and i don't know why. the tears just sit at the edge of my eyes. just sit there.

and i just want something to go right. just one thing. tis all i ask for. (and maybe that's too much). 

i'm sick of this year. sick of 2008. i'm counting down the days til it's over. and i know it's up to me to make a difference in my own life. but no matter how positive i am. no matter how much i try to make a difference. it all just keeps going wrong. i think this year was meant to be something different. meant to be a learning curve.

and i'm learning. i'm learning about people. about life. about who i am. about what i want. 

but that doesn't mean that i can't hurt. because i do. the wounds are fresh. the wounds have not yet been opened in many cases. i quickly covered them and jumped in headfirst. and now i sit here and thoughts swarm in via the music. via the chip that curls in on itself. via my quilt. via the candles that sit in front me. via a glass of wine. a cough. an inhaler. walking on campus. 

lordy gracious. it scares me. for i know that i am good at being lost in the moment. i know i am good at appearing well. but sitting here. now. the music invades my mind. and i cannot write this paper. because i have no focus.

the thoughts are too abundant. too varied in nature.

and it all comes back to one thing.

(but this is life: and life is a learning curve).