ah. empathy?

i have never been good at empathy. it's not one of my strengths. not something i pride myself on. i am good at getting things done. give me a list. and it will be completed in no time.

actions. i'm marvelous with action plans. i like accomplishing line items.

feelings? not my cup of tea. feelings... they take me out of my comfort zone.

tis why going to counseling was difficult for me. accepting that i needed help. that i could not do it all on my own. but looking back, the sessions that were forced at first were a saving grace.

i want that for my friends. i want that for those i care about. the realization that to do it all on our own is not possible. and not necessary. it is a scary realization. and one i continually work to grasp at. everyday. one that i know i have not reached a complete understanding of. but yet the beaten path winds on and i follow it past the colored leaves and broken twigs. knowing that at some point i will reach the rainbow. whatever that may be.

and i do want that for my friends. for them to be free from the necessity of thinking they must do it all.

or be it all...

so now what?

a needed change.

tis a new month. and with that new month. the leaves have begun to change in texas. certain things may be in place in life. but despite my perfectionistic desires, i am going to work toward accepting the variances.

a weekend of craziness. which led into a sunday full of the symptoms of withdrawal (due to the fact that i had accidently forgotten to take four dosages of topamax). means i still have the shakes. but a monday morning which opens with a bit of pilates and a wheat-free apple cinnamon waffle and a glass of orange juice... well, it can only mean one thing: change is in the air.

and not just change in the sense of talking about it. the bruises will heal. and the pain will subside. the reality is in thinking i must be perfect all the time, i simply create a bed to lie on... where i can never escape a world of hurt. and no. the journey will never be easy. but bit by bit. i can do it.

simply must believe.